The younger readers will probably not relate to this, however anyone who has spent a
hitch in the military, especially the Navy or Coast Guard, will find this all-too-familiar.
Most of it was emailed to Dan by a friend and he added some comments from his own
experiences. Reminds me of all those months where my rack (that's a bed) was right next
to a steam line ..... - Tom
* * * * * *
I am speaking today on behalf of those of us who have family members that think we live
(or lived) a "TOP GUN" existence. You know, those relatives who have watched one too many
episodes of JAG, and think that Navy life is glamorous. I have a few suggestions for these
people on how they can experience Navy life, right in the comfort of their own homes.
1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight. Have someone move
it around during the days AND the nights.
2. Run all of your house piping and wires on the outside of the walls.
3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, rank water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up,
and paint the basement "deck gray". You must then pump this kind of nasty water back
into and out of your basement twice a day.
4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town,
find the most run-down, trashiest bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then
walk home in the freezing cold.
5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawn mower. Have your father-in-law
"spot-check" you every four weeks and give you an assessment of your technique.
6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then
on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to
your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is
secured.
7. Raise your bed to within 12 inches of the ceiling.
8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5:00 a.m., and blow a whistle so
loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out
and trice up".
9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day,
then you take a ladder at 6:00 a.m., climb up to your roof, then back down, and then
stand in the back yard at attention until 6:25 so she can come out and read it to you.
10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock the
bathroom door for 12 hours, and hang a sign on it that reads "Secured - contact OA DIV
at ext.. -3053".
11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's OK for you to leave your
house before 3:00 p.m.
12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up all the windows
and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is up, take down the boards, and
since you're on duty, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your
home ... you can't leave until the next day.
13. Shower together with above-mentioned friends. No one can use more than 60 seconds of
worth of shower water, and you can only use hand-towels to dry off.
14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. dishwasher
operator, blender technician, etc). Make sure they get signatures for each step of
operation, and then give them an oral review conducted by three other previously-qualified
operators before allowing them to operate the appliance.
15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every
fifteen minutes. Check the oil and transmission fluid levels once every
four hours even if the car has not been started. Record your readings
in a log.
16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure
your engine is properly "lit off".
17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway three times a day,
whether they need it or not.
18. Repaint your entire house once a month.
19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get
your hands on.
20. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, randomly losing every 5th item.
21. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather
Channel.
22. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.
23. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.
24. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.
25. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your
co-workers.
26. Have your son power-nail the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have
gone to bed. Then yell at him for not doing his job when he stops to explain that you
told him to do it.
27. When your children have been in bed for 3 hours, run into their room with a megaphone,
and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man
their battle stations. Have them do it over again if they are not dressed and on station
in four minutes.
28. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak
for dinner. Then make them wait in line at the front door for at least an hour. When they
finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but that you have dried
ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more and they
just ask for hot dogs.
29. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have you family
stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals.
30. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at
the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "weekend liberty".
When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been postponed
due to the fact that they need to get ready for E-cert, and that it will be another week
before they can leave the house. After the week is over, tell them that you no longer
have any room in the budget for a trip to Disneyland, but that the garage needs painting
and that should give them some much needed time in the fresh air.